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Archive for the ‘Depressive State’ Category

Depression never becomes comfortable, at least not for me. I suppose there is an uncomfortable familiarity with depression though it never becomes that unwelcome guest you eventually grow to love. With each onset of a depressive state I am once again surprised and broadsided by the sheer depth of its reach into every facet of my daily life. There is no getting up on the right or wrong side of the bed because depending on the day there may be no going to bed or getting out of bed. In fact, the notion that one can get up on the metaphorical right or wrong side of the bed is to say there is a choice present. Not so with depression. It is not something you choose. It chooses you. This is especially difficult to come to terms with in our society where pulling yourself up by your bootstraps is aspired to and commended. What many fail to understand is that there are no proverbial bootstraps with which to pull myself up by nor do I possess the strength or motivation to do so when depression sets in. It is much like a hurricane: I must simply ride it out. I think the most tortuous aspect of bipolar disorder is knowing that the other side of a depressive state is a state of euphoria with no knowledge of when one will give way to the other. But euphoria, better known as mania, has its precious price. When I finally crash, I burn. I return to a depressive state, often much worse than the one I left for my fifteen minutes of heaven. There is also a great loneliness that this mental illness has burdened me with. I feel at a loss to connect with others. And I get the sense that others find it difficult to connect with me. It is most alarmingly lonely in the wake of my utter refusal to cover-up or hide my true self from the world around me. The world seems uneasy with my honesty and vulnerability. My solace is found with the lovely consistencies in my life: my husband’s presence, the heat of my dog laying on me, good music, and the tender words of dear and cherished friends (though few they may be).

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